Tryphoon’s Lair

Felix: Oh, bollocks!
Elmo: Dog’s bollocks?
Felix: No, just plain fucking bollocks!
Elmo: No dog involved?

The 51st State (2001)

When first I wrote this quote down yesterday (as it was simply refusing to leave my mind), I didn’t realize that some of you had absolutely no clue about the British thing that this “bollocks” word is…
I am sure that some of you associate it with some 1976 Punk rock album turned cult but there is way more to this that a Mohawk and a dead bass player!

When I first moved to London, 9 years ago, I was lucky enough to be helped during my first days and  months there by a friend of mine called Stefana. She acted as my little sister, my mum and my local guide, even helping me buying groceries after my first day of work in Hammersmith…

One of the things that Stefana insisted I had to work extremely hard on, was my English and especially the slang part of it!

She had numerous hours of fun trying to teach me some “Rhyming Slang” (Cockney slang: Apple & Pears = Stairs,  Trouble & strife = Wife, Dog & Bone = Phone) and even more fun trying to get me to understand the subtleties of the B word… So for you non British people (the large majority of the audience as despite what the Brits would love to believe, their empire has shrunk quite a bit over the last century) here is the way I was taught:

• Bollocks as in “This is Bollocks!!!” means this is very bad, awful, crap.
• The Bollocks as in “Man, I was at that gig last night and it was the bollocks” means this was superb or eventually The Dog’s bollocks as in “I spent a week in Ibiza with my mates, we were pissed all the time. I’m telling you mate, ‘t’was the Dog’s Bollocks“.

The B word can then be used in many different ways and declinations such as:

• Bollocking: Being severely told off such as in “I came back home late last night, totally pissed. The missus gave me a large bollocking“
• Up to one’s bollocks: Being swamped in some task of chore as in “I’m up to one’s bollocks working on this stupid Five Year plan, can’t make it to the pub mate!“
• Bollocksed: Adjective meaning absolutely exhausted as in “I went to Tiger Tiger last night, got pissed, pulled and got laid. Didn’t get a minute of sleep… Am absolutely bollocksed today!“. Can also mean extremely drunk.

So, the next time you are in the UK or speak to a British person, don’t feel totally offended by their use of the B word as it means way more than what you might have tought at first!